FUN STUFF ABOUT BEING A WOMAN


I got this in an email, I'd seen it before but I laughed just as hard this time. Hell, I might have even posted this on here already a long time ago, but I'm too lazy to go back and check. Besides, it's worth posting again anyway..... for you men out there, you can read this stuff today and be happy you don't have to worry about body hair and menopause issues! LOL!

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax.

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.

It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them
apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I ammechanically inclined enough to figure this out (YA THINK!?!).

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get
out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees (cold wax...yeah, right!).

I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my vagina and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (yes, it was a long strip). I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly and spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy - a wax-covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the
glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX??? Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax. CRAP!

I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. I know I need to do something. Then I make the next BIG mistake........remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? So I put my foot down. DAMN!!!!!!!!

I hear the slamming of a cell door. Vagina? Sealed shut! Butt?? Sealed shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off! "

What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???

*WRONG!!!!!!!*

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether-regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax. So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!!

God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!! I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone.

It's a very good conversation starter "So, my butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!" There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or hole or who-ha?" She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her.

I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night. While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!

By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this
event. My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point?

I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It works!!"

I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....

THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color......

Friendship is like peeing your pants . Everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.



And this following exerpt is from Fat Lady Sings She totally "gets" it about my sleeping issues and menopause in general.....so much so that I had to share this here.....

"As for sleep - hell; I managed some over the weekend, but only because my hubby got up before I did and fed our zoo letting me sleep in. I just can't sleep at night - doesn't matter if I have to get up at dawn either. My body and mind just won't shut down long enough. I've always had this problem (that's why working in the theatre suited - if fit my natural inclinations). But I have to say ever since menopause reared its pissy head my sleep patterns have decided to imitate an Escher print.

You know, it's the physical issues that make age somewhat of a bitch. I mean, I just love where my head is at. I actually feel all grown up; and by that I mean I think before I leap. And I haven't gotten all fogeyish, I can still hang with the best of 'em. My taste in music, art and culture haven't remained frozen within the confines of my generation. All that marvelous stuff that goes on inside is chugging along nicely. If only my body would follow suit! That's the part that sucketh the most. My spirit is always willing, the flesh I'd love to trade in for a newer model. But then, as I've always said, God only gives you a warrantee till you're 30. After that, you're on your own!"

Yup, she "gets" it! Thank you FLS!!

Well we all made it to another Friday huh? I'd like to wish those of you who work weekdays a good weekend starting tomorrow.... I'll be at work but I get my days off during the week right now.

And Patty, thanks for the chat.... and I'll be finally meeting you in 3 weeks! (just in time for you to leave our beautiful province....) That just makes me sad, girl!

Have a fabulous weekend everyone, take good care of each other and God bless.....

PEACE!
Love Jude