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Thursday, August 23, 2007


My friend Debbers reminded me of dental visits and how hilariously painful they can be. And THAT reminded me of my own problem which necessitated a visit to Dr. I.L. Drillya 2 weeks ago.

2 years ago I paid $600 to have a crown put in to replace a molar. That was after I'd had a root canal done on it. 3 weeks ago, while I was enjoying a simple granola bar, the damn crown pulled right out.

So off I go to see the doc, crown wrapped up and in my purse. Incidentally, I had noticed in the few days before getting there, that the gum around the area had started to close over the root of the tooth that used to be there. This is a gruesomely relevant fact to remember.....

I'm sitting in the chair waiting for him to see me, and as I always do, I marvelled at how dentist's chairs are the most uncomfortable damn things to begin with when you'd think they'd at the very least try to fool you into such comfort as to make you actually relax. But ooh noooooo, one must suffer in every way possible at Dr. I.L. Drillya's!

He was extremely busy that day, and they'd got me in only between appointments. Consequently it was a bit of a wait, and as I browsed through a magazine and watched the Ellen Show on the TV overhead I actually did start to become lulled into a relaxtion of sorts. (silly me!) When he finally came in and had a look at my gum where the crown needed to be re-cemented, he shattered all sense of calm in me by informing me he'd need to cut the gum that had closed over the tooth. You know, before he could jam it back in.

So a few deep breaths later, out comes the longest (and most likely the thickest, dullest) needle I've ever seen, and he aims it at my open mouth. Now I admit I'm not really all that queasy about needles, they're over with so fast that who the hell cares anyway. It's things like drills boring holes in your open mouth and take forever and ever, while spewing forth smoke and horrid smells that make me lose my cool. Still, it's a good thing God gave me eyelids to shut as the World's Longest, Thickest Needle approaches my gaping trap.

Then I got to sit and wait some more while the freezing took hold. And back he went to other patients. Again, the TV and magazines lulled me. And again, when he came back to hack up my gum all sense of calm escaped my being.

I couldn't feel a thing due to the magic potion that was inside the World's Longest, Thickest needle, but I haven't yet figured out how to close out completely the knowledge of what he's actually DOING in my mouth, and I realized I was hanging on to the arms of the chair with a death grip.

Which brings up another belly-ache ~~ why are the arms so small and down so damn low? It's really hard to apply said death grip on such teeny surfaces and all it did was give me hand cramps.

Not soon enough he's done hacking up my gums, only to hear him telling me that until the massive blood flow has stopped he cannot proceed. Okay he didn't say "massive" but he might as well have. Now, I'm told I must bite down on the dryest wad of gauze I'd ever felt, and wait some more. I ask you, is it just me or is having something as dry as gauze or kleenex in your mouth not the same feeling as hearing fingernails on a blackboard??

More TV, more magazines, and a now very numb bum from this hard chair. And more waiting. Finally back he comes and begins to prepare the cement mixture to plop in the hole so that he can shove the crown back in. In goes the cement. Which, by the way, sets EXTREMELY fast. And that is followed by mild cursing (from the doc no less!) that blood has gotten into it so now it won't cement jack-shit! And because it set so fast? Yup, he had to drill it all out!

By now my freaking jaw was aching and I was wishing it (and my butt) had been stabbed with The World's Longest, Thickest Needle too. But alas, a good dental patient must suffer.

Of course all of this made the hacked gum bleed profusely again, and back into my mouth went another huge wad of dry gauze. "Bite down please. And hold. For hours and hours, thank you. Mua haha."

By the time he came back and regally ruled that the bleeding had stopped, some of the freezing was beginning to leave me. You know where this is going.

Back in goes some more cement (which stinks so bad, why does everything that they put into your mouth stink so bad??) and this time it wasn't ruined with any blood. Now the crown needs to be jammed into place. Keep in mind, there is a pin on the bottom of the crown that needs to be shoved down to help hold it. It's a very sharp pin, and the freezing is fast leaving me. But I'm not about to let on by giving any sharp cries, as my ass can't take much more of this and I just want it done!

Finally it's in place. "Bite down, and we'll see if the bite needs to be adjusted." Well of course it's 'off' and sitting too high. So Dreaded Drill comes out but this time I'm less bothered by it as I know it's drilling into fake tooth and not any real tooth of mine.

And then it's done and I can leave. I must have been quite a sight waddling home with a Numb Bum though. I have to cross a very busy thoroughfare on the way, and don't ask me how but it's true that if your butt cheeks have no feeling it somehow affects how your legs work. Who'da thunk it!!?!

2 weeks later and I'm still terrified to chew anything on that side of my mouth for fear of this crown pulling out again. Maybe like a good little one-brain-celled mentalpausal person I'll soon forget the experience at Dr. I.L. Drillya's hands, and chew to my heart's content once again.

Until then though, no more granola bars for this chick.

Soup/icecream/jello/pudding, anyone?

Have a fantastic weekend, and take good care of each other.

Love Jude


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