MY MENO IS PAUSING....AND SO IS MY BRAIN

Okay so today I turn *ahem53cough!*........ ( oopies, sorry ~ did I get any on ya? ) .......and I know I didn't get a lick, not even a few seconds, of much needed beauty slumber last night.....but still, if my brain cells as well as my insomnia, don't go back to normal one of these days, methinks I'll end up in the Hotel du la Rubber Room myself. This "change of life", aka "The Change", has been with me now for 9 years to the month.

I'm still not used to being a slim person in a chubby body, and still not accustomed to joints that refuse to move some mornings and then when they finally DO, all they do is hurt all day. And who said that it was "normal" for a woman to be minding her own business and out of nowhere a furnace kicks in inside her body, accelerating her body temperature from normal range to the exhaust heat of the Challenger space craft? ALL of it's engines together??? Who could get used to looking in the mirror or walking by a window and getting a glimpse of your suddenly lobster-red skin from the hotflash flush? Oh, and that's just the regular stuff.

How about the joys of overnight going from normal to skyrocketing blood pressure and cholesterol ~~~ all because of some silly hormone malfunction that happens because your tiny little eggs have a meeting and decide, "stop already! she's too old for making babies!" OY. Yup, 9 years ago this month, all this lovely stuff began. And I could kick my ass from here to Siberia (ooooh, wouldn't that be nice and COOOOOL...... aaahhhhh) for all the times I wished that I would just start menopause so that my painful bleed- to- death periods would go away. Well that part of my life was no damn fun either every month, but at least I LOOKED normal, and had a reasonably normal amount of working brain cells. And joints that worked just fine. Yep, my meno is pausing........and I'm getting tired of it after all this time.

Please don't misunderstand me ~ I embrace and love the fact that I am a woman. Besides, I don't know how men manage to walk around with all that "stuff" hanging between their legs. Mind you I suppose it's no different than the little matresses we have (or had, in my case) to waddle around with, looking like we just got off a 2 week horse ride with no potty breaks. No, I am happy and proud of my sex, I just wish the crappy physical shit would have been at least "shared" some between the two sexes, don't you??? (okay this is where any of you men reading this are allowed to disagree. You done yet? TALK TO THE HAND! lol) Really I'm just teasing you males a bit, everyone knows you wouldn't have been able to handle cramps anyway, right? And in my case, all that happened was my tummy cramps turned into brain cramps. Yep, my meno is pausing...........and I wish it would just come to a stop already!

Honestly, I'm in a great mood, I don't have anything to be bitchy or whiney about, and I'm really not all that unhappy. I just figured out last night that it's been 9 years of this now and I thought it would be appropriate timing to blog about celebrating this rite of passage from girlhood to womanhood to blithering idiothood. That's all. I stopped trying to count the number of times I leave a room with a purpose, only to reach the other room and stand in the middle of it thinking, "Okay Jude just think hard. What exactly did you come in here for? Come on girl, you can figure this out." Only to have to go all the way back into the first room with my joints bitching at me, saying "Geez woman, can't you just sit down somewhere and THEN figure this out?? Give us a break willya?"

It's not a pretty sight seeing a youngish middle aged woman having an argument with her body, let me tell you. Ask my hubby. No on second thought, don't. He's already scheming to have me committed, I'm sure. And it was my sister Pammie who, after the first year or so finally stopped trying to recognize me for the bright woman I used to be, and coined the phrase "MENTALpause", as if that just kind of "summed it all up". Turns out she was right on. Yep.......my meno is sure pausing....... and I wish it would just f*** off and die!

There are some bonuses to all of this though. No worries over birth control. (Screw with those rubbers by yourself honey, I never liked them anyway!) (And don't even get me started on what birth control pills did to my body when I took them for a year once!) You can have sex sex sex, all you want and whenever you feel like it, and not have to worry! You can have sex for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and snacks in between, don't MATTER what your friggin' basal temperature is!! hahahahahah!!! (wouldn't that have been a whole lot more fun when you were young and nimble and slim and energetic though??)

And no needing to grow your own sheep in the backyard so you don't go bankrupt simply trying to purchase enough tampons.......OY. And as I said before, no more monthly VERY painful cramps. No more trying to plan holidays/weddings/sexual excursions around your period. And also, the older you get ~ everyone just naturally assumes you are also getting wiser, so you can say just about anything and get away with it. You can speak your mind. Say just what's on it.

There's lots of great things about this time of a woman's life. And if you stop hurting/aching/seizing up long enough, you just might be able to get that one working brain cell that you have left to actually remember just what the good stuff IS. Yep........my meno has been pausing now for 9 whole years.......and I think it's about damn time it just shit or got off my pot!

So, that ends the celebration of my rite of passage! Wasn't that fun? We'll maybe have to do this again sometime!

But in the meantime, I'll think I'll just go have some pure wild sex with complete abandonment ~~~ just because I CAN.

***hang on honey I'm coming, don't start without me! I gotta get outta this chair, so just wait till I get my ankles and knees unlocked, will ya? Honey? I don't hear you snoring in there, do I ???***

PEACE to you all, and Happy 9th. Anniversary to me!

Love Jude